Think Batman will ever be like this again?

I gotta say, "HOLY STRETCH MARKS!" has now entered my vocabularly.

Look out, world.  I just hope I don't run into any pregnant women between now and the time I'll forget about that phrase.

Come on, admit it.  Some small part of you wants Dick back as Robin and randomly shouting things like, "HOLY HIGHER RENT DISTRICT!"

Hitler Reacts to Flashpoint

Wow, it's been a busy week.

And I've been cranky comics-wise.

So in lieu of an actual post, I gve you this.  You may have seen this oft-used scene to rail against everything from stolen cars to XBox to vuvuzelas.  Now Hitler's mad at DC.

Apparently Hitler is also a Grant Morrison fan.

No comment.

Happy Belated Mother's Day?

Totally stealing this from mathematicsore ("m.c.") who posted this in a comment on The Idol-Head of Diabolu: (sorry!)

Oh, the good folks at Let's Be Friends Again.  You make my day.  Because J'onn has a juice box.

At first I thought it was Barry and I was like, "Did they just kill off his mother?" and then I realized it was Wally.

Never pass up an opportunity to poke fun at Batman...

He has a little megaphone!  :D

The unwitting victim of Batman, Inc.

Wonder if he gets benefits?

Happy President's Day!

Celebrate like only Superman can!

Only Madame Xanadu....

...can smack the Phantom Stranger around.

When John Jones was younger...

Back in his Silver Age heyday, the stoic, gentle Martian of integrity we know and love today was a bit more snarky.  What's our Martian hero to do when he's wrongly imprisoned in jail?  Meditate and wait out the situation?  Reason with the guards?  Pfft.  Why do that when you can cause all sorts of trouble and make outrageous demands of your jailors?

I'm going to go steal a toilet made out of gold while I'm at it, too.  Be back in a jiffy!

And what about his servitude to the public?  His stoic, noble goal of protecting his adopted homeworld, of making sure its citizens can live a life free of worry?

When you got it, flaunt it, Jonesey.

Well, there goes that.  Don't worry, that lady will be fine when she gets wiped from history in the next Crisis.

1989 Mayfair RPG Game Card: Batman

I was poking fun at Batman in my post from last night, and Frank took that as a sign that Batman was destined to be covered on this blog.  I am a pretty big Bat-fan, after all.

First off, a shoutout needs to go to Tom Hartley, who sold Frank his Mayfair RPG card set for a very fair price, I'm told.  I didn't get to thank either of them yesterday for their part in this.  So thanks, guys!

Now let's take a look at the Batman card:

Batman looks pretty spiffy in his blue-and-gray Batsuit.  I hadn't realized until recently that Golden Age Batman wore gray and black and that the blue was (correct me if I'm wrong, folks) a Silver Age addition.  Though modern Batman runs around in gray and black today, kids Batman still sports the blue and gray.  I guess gray is too boring to children.  (Can you tell I'm looking through toy catalogs for my nephews?)

Let's take a look at Bruce's stats, shall we?

Never one to miss a stray detail, DC made sure Bruce's stats reflect even his most eccentric hobbies, like his stint in Gotham Community Theater when he once danced Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream.  You don't get an Actor stat of 8 without a little greasepaint.  The folks at Mayfair also made sure to factor in Bruce's time spent as a juvenile deliquent immediately following the death of his parents by giving him a Thief stat of 10.  Yes, he swore to avenge them, but not without keying a few Studebakers, hassling a few soda jerks and knocking off a Walgreen's here and there.  What, you think a rich, privaleged, well-balanced guy like Bruce Wayne doesn't commit crimes and act like a jerk in his spare time?  Oh, the evidence is here, my friends, and it is hilarious.

Let it also be noted that the Bat Rope (TM) is only the length of 4 A&P stores put end-to-end, and that could be a drawback when chasing Man Bat up Wayne Towers, which is about 6 A&P's in height.  I guess that's where an Advantage like having Superman (TM) as your personal peon comes in handy.

And, like I predicted yesterday, Bruce Wayne's Wealth stat is indeed 5,000,000.  That means he'll win any battle, becuase money always trumps intelligence, brawn, and sheer brute strength in any fight.  Don't you remember that part in Final Crisis where Batman dropped a couple hundred Ben Franklins in front of Darkseid and said, "Dance big man, dance!" and then Darkseid sent Bruce on a lovely little vacation back in time to show his appreciation?

That's also the reason why Darkseid is such a pimp.

Want more Mayfairstivus coverage?  Want to air your grievances?  Go ahead and shout at random people on the street, and then check out these sites:

The Anti-Didio League of America

The Aquaman Shrine

Booster Gold: BOO$TERRIFIC
The Continuity Blog

DC Bloodlines

Diana Prince as The New Wonder Woman
Doom Patrol: My Greatest Adventure #80
Firestorm Fan
Flash: Speed Force
Girls Gone Geek
Green Lantern Corps: The Indigo Tribe
Hawkman: Being Carter Hall 

Justice League Detroit
Martian Manhunter vs. The Idol-Head of Diabolu
Once Upon A Geek
Power of the Atom
Subject: Suicide Squad [Task Force X]
Supergirl Comic Box Commentary 

What I imagine DC writer's meetings are like

Scene: Swanky DC Boardroom

Random DC Editor Unqualified to Do His Job: So, Winnick, we've got this Brightest Day thing going on. We've got to figure out some new angle to sell books now that Giffen left.

Judd Winnick:  Heh.  I'm glad that old geezer left.  Now I've got the book all to myself and I can do whatever I want!  Muahahahahaha!!!

Random Editor Who Knows Less About DC Characters Than Fans Do:  So, Juddmeister, you got any ideas?

Judd Winnick:  Well, sort of.  You remember that--what was it called--really stupid version of the Justice League that was in the 80's?  You know--what's it called?

[Silence]

IT Guy Who Happens to Be In The Room Fixing Ethernet Cables: The Justice League International?

Judd Winnick:  Yeah!  That's it!  Wait, who are you again?  Can you like get me a coffee or something?  So we've got Maxwell Lord being evil and all that.  But come on, guys, been there done, that.  Lame-o.  Let's really blow the socks off these readers.  It'll be awesome!!

Random DC Editor Unqualified to Do His Job: What do you have in mind?

Judd Winnick:  Well, you've these two girls, right?  Fire and Ice.  And Ice is all boring and no one ever liked her.  So how about this: we make her BADASS.

Random Editor Who Knows Less About DC Characters Than Fans Do:  Hmm...badass might not be enough to sell books.

Judd Winnick:  Oh, wait till you hear what I have in mind!!  Not only are Fire and Ice gonna fight each other--it's gonna be so hawt!!--Ice is gonna turn all ice-elemental-monstery, and look all unhuman and stuff.

Artist-guy Who Draws Generation Lost But Whose Name I'm Too Lazy to Google:  Dude, we've got to do something about Ice's costume.  I mean, like, she's always got this stupid half-sweatshirt thing covering up her boobs.  We've got to get rid of that.  She's like the only heroine not showing cleavage.

Judd Winnick:  Hell yeah!!  When Fire and Ice have this big fight--and it's so going to be in character, don't worry editor-guys, she's gonna turn all icey and go whoosh and her clothes are going to burn off so we can lose that stupid boob-cover.

IT Guy Who Happens to Be In The Room Fixing Ethernet Cables:  Don't you mean "freeze" off and not "burn off?"

Random Editor Who Knows Less About DC Characters Than Fans Do:  Still, this has been done before.  I can't think of any specific examples, but I know heroes have fought each other.  Hey, look!  A pigeon!

Judd Winick:  Well, get this!!  We'll make it completely character-driven!  We'll go back and explain to the unknowing audience all about Icemaiden's tragic origins and how she killed her father and all this stuff...

Artist-guy Who Draws Generation Lost But Whose Name I'm Too Lazy to Google:  Can I draw her in a midriff even though she lives in Norway?

Judd Winick:  DUDE, that makes TOTAL sense.  Why didn't I think of that?  Because all hot girls should always dress in midriffs, even if it's twenty below zero.  I mean, that's like a comic book RULE.

All three bow their heads before a portrait of Dan DiDio and recite the Oath of Comic Book Writing:  "We shall always portray our heroes as badasses.  Our characters will only be motivated to become heroes after a tragic childhood.  Decent characters will be killed off for no reason other than to sell books.  All women will wear thongs and wear bras as tops and be angry all the time to show how strong they are.  Our crossovers will never be bound by the laws of logic, lest they actually make sense.  Batman is the bestest character ever.  In the name of the Mighty Morrison, we pledge our allegiance.  Amen."

Judd Winick:  Ohh!  Oh!!!  I just thought of something!!  I'm going to make Ice swear like a trucker!  I mean, if a character doesn't swear, they're a total wimp, right?

IT Guy Who Happens to Be In The Room Fixing Ethernet Cables:  How much do you people make for this?

Random Editor Who Knows Less About DC Characters Than Fans Do:  Okay, that all sounds great.  Let's make comics, people!  Now, who wants a donut?

* * *

Thus ends the worst blog post I've ever written.

Talking Comics With the Uninitiated, Part 2

So a while back I had a conversation with my mother about Wonder Woman's new costume and how much she hated it.

I'm starting to get my Halloween costume together.  Two years ago I made a promise to someone (who's going as the Joker) that I'd be Harley Quinn, which left me kind of at a loss as to how to pull off a work-safe (a.k.a. not super-tight) Harley Quinn costume.  Lo and behold, I managed to pull it off by finding a jester costume to modify.  I have no sewing machine skills, so this is where my mother comes in.  She has no idea who Harley Quinn is.

I had been showing her various pictures of Harley to give her an idea of what she looked like, but I never explained to her who she was exactly.  Actually, I did, but she wasn't listening at the time.

Apparently my mother thought the costume was a part of her body or her skin something, and not like an actual suit.  I don't know what goes on in the heads of non-comics readers...

Mom:  Well, I don't know what all these superpowers do to people!

Me:  She doesn't have superpowers, Mom.  She's just a girl in a suit.

Mom:  Oh.  But what about the horns?

Me:  They're part of her costume!  She's got pigtails and stuff.

Mom:  Okay.  You still have to make the glasses yet, right?

Me:  They're not glasses!  That's a mask!

Mom:  Oh.

Me:  And she doesn't have superpowers.  She's just crazy.

Mom:  What?

Me:  She's nuts.  She's the Joker's sidekick.

Mom:  She's a villain?!  Wait, I thought she was a hero!

Me: *facepalm*

Mom:  So she's a devil or something?

Me:  No!  She's cute!!!  See?  She's all like clingy and the Joker's all like, "Get off of me!"  It's funny!

Mom:  Okay, I guess she's kind of cute.

I then started asking my mother if she could take the headpiece apart and re-sew it back together because the black and red were on the wrong sides and she's like, "Does it REALLY matter?"  And of course I'm like, "YES."  Never offer to make anything for someone with OCD.  She is going to switch the sleeves around because they don't match at all, but I conceded the headpiece and the tunic, so it will be backwards, so I'll just have to pretend I'm Bizzarro-Harley or Left-Handed Harley or something.

You can just imagine how entertaining it will be when I take her to see the Green Lantern movie next summer.

If I got stranded on a desert island that didn't have a comic shop...?

Aaron at Continued on Second Page Following offered up one of his desert island comic picks.  So of course that got me thinking about mine!

Did anyone ever see Lost, where one of the survivors finds a comic book in the plane after it crashes?  The unnamed comic book has a polar bear in it and people pushing a world-ending (or saving) button on a computer and it's in Spanish.  I didn't read comics when I first watched Lost, so I thought they made it up for the show.  Had I known then what I know now, I would've recognized Alan Scott and Jay Garrick, would've known that comics get translated into other languages, and wouldn't have thought polar bears in a comic book seemed weird.  (It was a real comic: Green Lantern/Flash: Faster Friends.)

Well, that comic wouldn't be my desert island pick as much as I like the Green Lantern mythos.  I don't think I could pick ONE comic as my desert island pick.  But I think I can narrow it down to a few:

Any trade paperback of Justice League International.  If I were stranded with no hope of rescue I'd want a laugh, you know?

Martian Manhunter: American Secrets.  Not only is it noir, not only does it feature my favorite hero, but it's a period piece with such a distinct tone and setting that it's so easy for me to escape into and make me forget my current surroundings.  It is quite possibly my favorite graphic novel, period.  And when the island polar bears and smoke monsters are wreaking havoc, I'd want to feel as far away from that as possible.

I stole this pick from your blog, Frank!

Adam Strange Archives, any volume.  With no hope of rescue, I'd like some upbeat escapist science fiction stories to keep me company.  Besides, it would help foster the dream that maybe a Zeta Beam could manifest itself and transport me away from all my island troubles.  Not only that the art is beautiful and colorful, and there's tigers with horns on their heads and giant city-destroying magnifying lenses.  Need I say more?

Oh, and I'd need a soundtrack to go with all those comics.  Elton John's Greatest Hits, anyone?  What, no one?  Well, I guess that's why they call it the blues.

Just some more fun for the weekend...

I like a good dose of humor in my comics.  Here's a panel from Time Masters: Vanishing Point #2 that made me laugh out loud:

Click the image if you're presbyopic!

It's moments like these that really make me miss Dan Jurgens writing Booster Gold, let me tell you.  Because "Me?  A tool?" is a line that rivals Giffen and DeMatteis on the Scale of Comics Hilarity.

I have no idea what a "GLO BALL" is, but this isn't what I had in mind...

Apparently Hal Jordan has a snack cake made in honor of him.

It's called Glo Balls, I kid you not.  [Insert joke here.]

I have no idea if "Glo Balls" existed before, or if this is something completely new.  I tend to walk past the Hostess aisle of the grocery store and make a beeline for the Oreos and Pepperidge Farms instead, but now I'm going to keep an eye out for this.

Pic shamelessly stolen from here.

Do they glow in the dark?  Do they disintegrate if you put them too close to a bottle of mustard?  Is Hal Jordan's costume really made of sparkly coconut sugar?  You be the judge.

If you look in the background, you can see "Flash Cakes," which sounds a lot classier.

This is my brain on Mondays

This means my brain is not working today.  I did have one profound thought as I was lying in bed last night, though.

Brian Fraim drew this.  Cool, no?

Because, as you know, all great thoughts happen in either the shower or while brushing your teeth.  But the really momentous ones?  They happen when you're drifting off to sleep.

Catwoman, by George Todorovski.  Awww, she's holding a cat!

So what was this profound, Earth-shattering idea?

Behold:

"Hey...if Wheel of Fortune ever did a DC-themed Before and After puzzle, it would go like this: 'SELINA KYLE RAYNER.'  HAHAHAHA!  I'm a genius!!  I have GOT to post this on my blog!!"

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week.

75 Favorite Moments in DC History: Number 52

52. Blue Beetle and Booster Gold steal J'onn's cookies (Martian Manhunter #24, 2000.)

I wasn't a huge fan of the Martian Manhunter series, but there was one bright spot in those thirty-six issues that almost makes up for it.

In Martian Manhunter #24, we take a trip back in time to the Justice League International days, and as usual, the michevious Blue and Gold are up to something:

The amazing thing is, I had no idea who Beetle, Booster, Maxwell Lord, Fire, Ice, OR Guy Gardner were when I read this issue, and I still thought it was funny.  Even this Maxwell Lord guy was amusing to me and I wanted to know more about him.  I had only sought it out to satiate my Martian Manhunter fandom, and had yet to read any Justice League International titles.  Now, of course, this all makes a whole lot more sense.

Obviously, this must translate well to new readers, because I sent the above panel to my non-comics-reading-but-Smallville-watching-friend and she found their "impish grins" amusing.

This is also the reason why "Choco Addiction," along with fire, is listed as a weakness on J'onn's DC Wikia page.  Recently, it seems, they went back to referring to "Chocos" as "Oreos," which I like.

And where are you going to ever find another Guy Gardner panel like this?  Muahaha.

And nor does seeing exchanges like this ever get old in my mind:

Martian Manhunter #24 could very easily have been an issue of JLI.  One minor quibble is that Ostrander made Booster the instigator and Beetle the somewhat-unwilling participant who realized they'd gone too far, and really the roles should've been reversed.  But, hey, it's good fun nonetheless, and  I like a good laugh from my comics every now and then.  Actually, more than every now and then.

I'm hoping that that little teaser image of a JLI banner shown in DC's editor column last week means an eventual return to the good ol' JLI days.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Oh, and one more.  I couldn't help adding this one in:

That's the Maxwell Lord I miss!

Who Knew Martians Were So Hypocritical?!

In lieu of posting another moment in the 75 countdown, I had to post this.  After doing some cruising on Boosterific (I seem to have Booster Gold on the brain lately), I happened upon this comic by the very funny Eyz of G33K Life, and couldn't resist the urge to post it here.

Click to enlarge if you need to!

All I can say is: BWA-HA-HA!

You can view the original here, and check out Eyz's blog here.  He graciously allowed me to repost it.

DC Artist Copies Famous Artwork; Fans Read Too Much Into it and Go Crazy With Predictions

In case you missed it, DC released a teaser image of a possible future for its Brightest Day characters:

Click to enlarge and have your mind blown.  Mind-blowing results not typical.

So after all this Blackest Night and Brightest Day we're back to dark things again, I guess?  Well, the pendulum can only go so far before it goes back in the other direction, I suppose.

Except that DC never really swung into bright Silver Age joyness like I thought it would.  That was, I thought, the promise of the ending of Blackest Night, and as I've stated before, I became disillusioned when it turned out to be just another vehicle to send us right into the next crossover.

Oh, and in case you're wondering which work of art Ivan Reis paid homage to with this teaser image it's The Rock by Peter Blume.  I don't really know what The Rock is all about becuase I'm not the best when it comes to art criticism, but it looks somewhat surreal and surrealism is always fun to stare at.  (Take a look at Dali's The Burning Giraffe, which, like almost all Dali paintings, is an acid trip on canvas.)

Now, a little over a year ago, I was really psyched by another DC teaser image:

Harvey Dent Batman.  Yes.  Now you know what I dream about.

...because all sorts of awesome things were hinted at in this image: a Batman who uses guns, Two-Face Batman, Alfred re-joining the British Army, Harley Quinn buying a new motorcycle, and Nightwing being stupid.  Battle for the Cowl didn't deliver any any of those promises (except the last one), was boring as hell and almost as convoluted, and just wound up being a vehicle for Grant Morrison to make Bruce Wayne a pirate, and then ended with the obvious ending which everyone knew was coming.

So what about the Brightest Day teaser image?  What does it all mean?  Who's in the coffin?  Why did Aquaman die after having an alien explode out of his chest?  How much more mileage can DC get out of the Anti-Monitor?  Why isn't the cute little kitty Red Lantern in the picture?  Why is J'onn J'onzz shoveling coal underneath Green Arrow's favorite target practice tree?  Did Hal Jordan finally die of syphilis?  If you find yourself asking any of these questions, stop immediately.  Not only is it pointless, but there's other ways to use the mental energy you'd otherwise be wasting trying to decipher answers from an image that will never deliver on its promises.  You know, like sudoku, or learning how to use an abacus or blogging about how you have no faith left in the comics industry.

I'm going to have to change this blog's title to "Comics Make Me Bitter" becuase that's what it's fast becoming.

You Asked For It...

I spent way too much time on this.

I have Frank to blame.

This is why I shouldn't be allowed near coloring books.  Or Photoshop for that matter.

I Am Quite Tired...!

Well, it was a very long, tiring, interesting day for me.  I spent most of it applying makeup that would put RuPaul to shame and twirling around on stage at the local performing arts venue.  It was our studio's end of the year recital, and even though our dance was barely over two minutes, it was a pretty tiring two minutes.  So after a lot of a day of pirouettes and looking all ballet-ish, and no comics in the mail, I don't have much to say.

Well, except this: which DC superhero do you think has some ballet experience?

Yep.

Cue the spin-off series: Justice League Bolshoi!

And who would stricken our hero with such a rigourous trial as an exhibition of ballet prowess?  Why, our old friend Professor Hugo, of course.  (I'm sure he's quite the balletomane.  You might have to look that word up, guys.)

I don't think there's a name for this particular "intricate dance step" in any ballet syllabus that I'm aware of...

Let me tell you, J'onn.  Ballet is hard and a perfectly acceptable form of torture for any unsuspecting superhero, but it certainly pays off in pretty costumes and great core strength.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll find something more serious to blog about!