Scene: Swanky DC Boardroom
Random DC Editor Unqualified to Do His Job: So, Winnick, we've got this Brightest Day thing going on. We've got to figure out some new angle to sell books now that Giffen left.
Judd Winnick: Heh. I'm glad that old geezer left. Now I've got the book all to myself and I can do whatever I want! Muahahahahaha!!!
Random Editor Who Knows Less About DC Characters Than Fans Do: So, Juddmeister, you got any ideas?
Judd Winnick: Well, sort of. You remember that--what was it called--really stupid version of the Justice League that was in the 80's? You know--what's it called?
IT Guy Who Happens to Be In The Room Fixing Ethernet Cables: The Justice League International?
Judd Winnick: Yeah! That's it! Wait, who are you again? Can you like get me a coffee or something? So we've got Maxwell Lord being evil and all that. But come on, guys, been there done, that. Lame-o. Let's really blow the socks off these readers. It'll be awesome!!
Random DC Editor Unqualified to Do His Job: What do you have in mind?
Judd Winnick: Well, you've these two girls, right? Fire and Ice. And Ice is all boring and no one ever liked her. So how about this: we make her BADASS.
Random Editor Who Knows Less About DC Characters Than Fans Do: Hmm...badass might not be enough to sell books.
Judd Winnick: Oh, wait till you hear what I have in mind!! Not only are Fire and Ice gonna fight each other--it's gonna be so hawt!!--Ice is gonna turn all ice-elemental-monstery, and look all unhuman and stuff.
Artist-guy Who Draws Generation Lost But Whose Name I'm Too Lazy to Google: Dude, we've got to do something about Ice's costume. I mean, like, she's always got this stupid half-sweatshirt thing covering up her boobs. We've got to get rid of that. She's like the only heroine not showing cleavage.
Judd Winnick: Hell yeah!! When Fire and Ice have this big fight--and it's so going to be in character, don't worry editor-guys, she's gonna turn all icey and go whoosh and her clothes are going to burn off so we can lose that stupid boob-cover.
IT Guy Who Happens to Be In The Room Fixing Ethernet Cables: Don't you mean "freeze" off and not "burn off?"
Random Editor Who Knows Less About DC Characters Than Fans Do: Still, this has been done before. I can't think of any specific examples, but I know heroes have fought each other. Hey, look! A pigeon!
Judd Winick: Well, get this!! We'll make it completely character-driven! We'll go back and explain to the unknowing audience all about Icemaiden's tragic origins and how she killed her father and all this stuff...
Artist-guy Who Draws Generation Lost But Whose Name I'm Too Lazy to Google: Can I draw her in a midriff even though she lives in Norway?
Judd Winick: DUDE, that makes TOTAL sense. Why didn't I think of that? Because all hot girls should always dress in midriffs, even if it's twenty below zero. I mean, that's like a comic book RULE.
All three bow their heads before a portrait of Dan DiDio and recite the Oath of Comic Book Writing: "We shall always portray our heroes as badasses. Our characters will only be motivated to become heroes after a tragic childhood. Decent characters will be killed off for no reason other than to sell books. All women will wear thongs and wear bras as tops and be angry all the time to show how strong they are. Our crossovers will never be bound by the laws of logic, lest they actually make sense. Batman is the bestest character ever. In the name of the Mighty Morrison, we pledge our allegiance. Amen."
Judd Winick: Ohh! Oh!!! I just thought of something!! I'm going to make Ice swear like a trucker! I mean, if a character doesn't swear, they're a total wimp, right?
IT Guy Who Happens to Be In The Room Fixing Ethernet Cables: How much do you people make for this?
Random Editor Who Knows Less About DC Characters Than Fans Do: Okay, that all sounds great. Let's make comics, people! Now, who wants a donut?
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Thus ends the worst blog post I've ever written.